Monday night I went into the hospital dreading like crazy my 2nd round of chemo. I stayed the night and the plan was to put a port in Tuesday morning. (A port is a device that is surgically inserted just underneath the skin. It is placed near the heart. It serves the same purpose as a PICC.) Well, plans changed all day. Winnipeg doesn't have the kind of port I need-it needs to be shipped from Toronto. For awhile we thought we'd just put in a temporary PICC, but that didn't work because my veins are too "traumatized" from the the previous PICCs. So I was sent home Tuesday afternoon. The last I heard is that the port takes two days to get here from Toronto and so I'm expecting to go back in on Friday. I'll have my little surgery and then chemo will start immediately after.
Of course it's frustrating when things don't quite work out, but truthfully, every single day that I don't have to have chemo, is another day that God can miraculously heal me. I believe that God can and has been using the chemo to heal, but I absolutely hate going through it. As I told Earl, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Ever since my first round of chemo, I have not had one day that I have felt good all day. I still am weak, I still feel sick a lot of the time. I have to admit that I'm fighting discouragement, I'm fighting anxiety. The battle is so intense. It's hard to stay positive when circumstances aren't positive. I feel like I'm battling this cloud of anxiety that says that I can't escape feeling sick. Yes, I know God is still the same God-I know He hasn't changed. I know He is protecting me and 'covering me with His feathers' (Psalm 91) No matter what you know, Satan is still trying to discourage. And so I ask for an extra dose of prayer in the spiritual battle realm. May Satan and his discouraging thoughts flee and may I continue to trust Jesus. May I rest knowing that He only wants what is best for me and He's got me completely taken care of.
-Ramona