One day left

Radiation ends tomorrow!!!!
I'm definitely very excited. Originally I was supposed to finish next week but the radiation technicians realized that I was eager to go home and so they arranged my schedule that I'm getting treatments twice a day. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I have to stay here til next week anyway as I have appointments until Tuesday. There are a few technicians who are really compassionate- I really appreciate that. It makes such a difference when you can tell that they actually care. So yeah here's the schedule for the next few days. I had radiation twice today and twice tomorrow and then I'm done! Tomorrow will be kind of crazy as I need to be at the hospital at 7:45 a.m. I'll have my treatment and hopefully come home to sleep for a few hours. (Sometimes I think I could sleep all day and still be tired) I have an MRI of my hip at 12:45 and then my last radiation appointment at 3:00. Monday I have an MRI of my arm at 8:45. These MRI's are going to show the doctors what radiation has done. Obviously I pray that it's had dramatic results. Tuesday morning at 10:00 I meet with my surgeon and he gives the results of the MRI's. Hopefully we keep talking surgery and he tells me when those dates are. Our flight leaves at 7:45 and we arrive at 9:20. (That's if I don't convince Earl to try and fly stand-by)
Today is one of those days where I catch myself staring off into space thinking and being pretty emotional. I met with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Catton, after my first radiation appointment today. He's amazed that my skin is doing so well. He expected that it would be peeling and super sore but I seldom think of anything except that it's more red. However, he also talked about my lung tumor. He confirmed what the surgeon, Dr. Ferguson, said a few weeks ago. He added a few more details. He said there was only one tumor and that this tumor WAS there when I was told that they were all gone. The tumor that is there now is just larger than it was in December and is obviously growing. Somehow for me it's a little comforting cause I think I'd rather have it be just a larger version of what I had before as opposed to something new. It's frustrating though, when you are led to believe so many different things. I feel like I can never completely believe or trust the doctors cause things always change. He also confirmed the need to remove the hip and armpit tumor before tackling the lungs. He mentioned the word chemo. It's not the first time that that word's been mentioned in the last few weeks. No, there's no guarantees that I will have chemo but that is definitely a possibility. I know that my heart muscle was weakened from the chemo I had previously but I'm still barely in the 'safe zone' . Somehow thinking about having to do chemo again makes me think a lot. I think about loosing my hair again now when it's finally starting to grow, I think about having to be back in the hospital, feeling like I'm in prison, I think about feeling weak and sick and not being able to enjoy the summer like I've been looking forward too. I want to go camping with my families this summer since we couldn't last year cause I was in the hospital. I want to enjoy my garden- everything dried up last year with no one to water it. I long to have weiner roasts and barbeques and mow the lawn and go for walks, etc. etc. I feel like last summer was stolen from me and I really don't want to have to give up another one. Oh I know all the good sayings that say that two summers is nothing in comparision to enjoying all the summers after that. I know all that, but there are no guarantees that I will enjoy another summer to the extent that I long too. Again, no one has that guarantee.
Just so that it's clear and no one starts thinking that I'm having chemo-At this point there is no chemo in my horizon but I'm musing the obvious possibility.
The bright spot in my day was when I was walking down the steps, out the door to my second radiation appointment. A huge care package was sitting on the steps as well as a card from my grandparents in Phoenix. I excitedly opened the package on the way to the hospital. Wow-I feel so blessed. The carepackage was from many different members from our church. All the notes, the popcorn, the hot chocolate, the gum and all the chocolate and all the other things in there are really special. It's amazing to feel cared for. To all of you who contributed- a huge thank you. Whoever came up with this fabulous idea-thanks so much.

Last Sunday I felt like pouring out my thoughts but was too shy to publish them. Somehow they're still in my mind so here they are today.

Sunday's blog:
Right now I'm sitting on the couch watching Dayna, Joanna & Earl play "Crazy Eights". I'm tired from a day of radiation and sightseeing so instead I'll try to blog. Like we already mentioned, Earl & I and Joanna, went to a different church than we had ever been before. It was definitely an inspiring service. I've really struggled with being able to praise God inspite of having cancer. On Sunday I was once again really not feeling like singing Praise & Worship songs when my heart and soul were definitely not wanting to praise God. It's hard for me to say that "God is good". The preacher was talking about God being good and in my heart I was totally disagreeing. Getting cancer doesn't exactly seem like a good thing. I know a bunch of you who are reading this might think, "Oh, but such good things are happening because of it." That may well be true, and I'm really thankful for that,but no matter if everyone in the world was brought closer to God because of this, I still don't think that I would be thankful that I had cancer. I'd still probably wonder why it had to be me. Cancer sucks, it's horrible. The emotional and mental turmoil is so overwhelming sometimes.It is my heart's desire that God uses this horrible thing for something beautiful-I know He is and I know that He will. However, knowing that doesn't take away my desire to be healthy and not have this cloud over my head.After church Earl & I had a good chat about God's goodness and that I need to remember God's sacrifice. Not only can I have Jesus be a part of my life, I can know that my life has purpose, that Someone is in control. There is a reason that I'm going through this. God uses every experience in our life for our good, if only we allow Him too. Earl made a comment something to the effect that someone in hell would probably give anything to be able to have a sarcoma on earth instead of being in hell. It's true-God is good in that in spite of allowing cancer He saved me from eternally dying in hell. Really God is super, super good. Way too often I forget the incredible sacrifice He made for me.

Well these are the thoughts of Ramona today.
By the way, I'm really dreading the MRI on Monday. Last time I had an arm one was pretty traumatic. I'd really appreciate your prayers. And those of you who are praying for restful nights, I really appreciate that. I haven't been able to fall asleep as well as I used to. Thanks.

-Ramona