Today was one of those days that I long never to repeat. We found out that the tumors are back in my lungs. I had an appointment with Dr. Ferguson, my surgeon, this morning and asked him a bunch of questions. He looked over the CT that I had taken on the 15th of February. He confirmed what we already suspected-there is a tumor on my right lung and a few smaller ones. In reality this doesn't really change anything medically. I will still continue with my radiation. I have 3 weeks left. After that they will do MRIs to see how my hip and armpit tumor have responded to the radiation. I'll go home for approx. 6 weeks and then come back for my armpit and hip surgery. Dr. Ferguson also confirmed that these surgeries are both quite intense and will probably require some bone being removed. Only after these surgeries are done can we even consider doing anything with my lungs. It's pointless to deal with the 'little tumors' when the 'big tumors' are causing the lung tumors. I really have no idea what will keep going on in my lungs-there is still hope that surgery could be done there as well.
It's frustrating when I realize that time is so important. If I had come to Toronto sooner and had my surgery sooner, maybe I wouldn't have any tumors in my lungs. It's hard to be positive when I have chest pain and have shortness of breath and know that there is something inside of me killing me and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that except pray and try to cling to hope.
Last night I spent a lot of time on a sarcoma site on the internet. There were a lot of stories from others who also have sarcoma. It was interesting how many of them were Christians. It was also terrifying as I read story after story of people with different kinds of sarcomas or even the same kind I have, synovial sarcoma ,who were fighting desperately. Many of them had part of them amputated and others had their sarcoma returning. There were very few who had success stories. I realized once again the seriousness of my disease.
The last few days I've spent a lot of time dwelling on what it really means to live. I think about what my life is all about and if I've accomplished the purpose for why I was created. I think about how to really live when I am constantly faced with death. I realize that having death staring me in the face forces me to think thoughts that many don't until they're older. Have I done with my life what God intended? What am I doing now that is bringing glory to God? How many people have I influenced for Christ?
I don't want to have to think these thoughts. There are thousands of dreams that I still have. Thousands of things I want to pursue and tell people. And yet how can I do that realizing that I might not have years left? And yet no one has that guarantee. Really my life is no different than anyone else's. No one knows if they'll live tomorrow or get to do all the things that they desire. I guess my challenge through this all is to live life to the fullest. Pursue the things that are important now, before you can't.

My heart is so full tonight. I'm clinging to the hope that God is the Healer, God is a God of Miracles. My life is in His hands. I long to be healed and have my life make a difference. Maybe this is my plea to everyone out there who can dream, who are healthy, to all the people that I am a little jealous of-make your life count.

I apologize if this blog comes out preachy. With tears streaming down my face I've written down my heart.

Oh and to all of you who are praying for the pain in my arm to not be as bad while I'm having radiation-I'd just like to let you know that it is a lot better than it was in the beginning. My arm is almost used to it.
Thank you
Ramona